Thursday March 13, 2008

Best Part of the Day-

Playing with my Little Li (my Asian son).  Will-O took Scarlet swimming this early evening in her new suit (with built-in inflatables to help her remain buoyant in the water...when she tried it on today for the first time she said "Hey I've got real low breasts-tez like the old ladies" as this suit creates a swelling around her midsection.  Oh ma lordie.)  Anyhoo, this allowed Liam and I to have some serious one on one.  We played, we wrestled and we laughed and laughed. He loves to try to do a somersault and really just roll around.  My good sweet golly, he is as fun-loving as they come! 

Worst Part of the Day-

I went to do the second urine/drug test this morning.  The lab tech was surly from the start. She was also blaring some sort of Christian radio station the entire time (honestly, this was WAY too loud for a work place!).  The word "Bible" was said over and over...  After she scrutinized my i.d.  "When were you born?"  she almost yelled at me.  Maybe she was irritated because my b-day is the day after Christmas thus slighting our Saviour--I will never know, but she was p.o.'d about that.  

She then told me to put my "personal items" in this super small box before I went into the bathroom.  I had my coat and scarf and work bag, etc. so I asked her what she meant exactly by "personal items".  She was annoyed by this question and said "Anything that's yours." Obviously this box was too small for even my work bag, let alone 'anything that is mine', so I had to get clarification.  "Anything of value."  Huh.  I told her I had nothing of real value and didn't need to use the lock box.  She looked at me like I was inept.  "You have to place your personal items in the box or you can't do the test."  It took me a moment to understand who I was dealing with--then I threw my car keys in there.  ("Bible" and "redemption" were screaming from that crazy radio this whole time!) 

As we are walking to the bathroom she asked, "What's under your shirt?"  Ahhh, nothing.  My fat gut from having 2 kids.  Out of nowhere she poked me in the belly and through my shirt her gloved fingers hit the metal fastener of my jeans.  (Oh my.  Let me be prepared next time and I will flex the abs for ya.)

As we stood by the counter and she flipped through my chart and barked "Dilute?  Why was it dilute last time?"  Good god, I don't know.  Perhaps because I am a vegetarian who lives cleanly and is not on the fast track to diabetes and heart disease???  Of course, I say none of this.  This lab tech clearly is incensed by me and says "If it's dilute this time that will not be good for you.  Uh uhh, no, no, no."  WHY?  Because I had coffee this morning and it acts as a diuretic thus diluting my urine???  

I felt accused of something (not just because of that freaking radio shouting "Sinner!" over the air waves...).  My hand was actually shaking when I was finally alone in the bathroom.  I did think to myself  "please don't be dilute, please somehow be dark amber in color like most dehydrated Americans..."  

I did what I had to do and it looked passable.  If I fail now it will be at the sabotaging hands of the Evangelical Christian lab tech who wants me to burn in hell.   Damnation.